I have had the shittiest week in a long while. Monday, funnily enough, was fine. Tuesday, I fell sick, but attempted work anyway. I kept vomiting so I decided to stop eating and when I attempted a very bland pasta with tomato sauce on Wednesday, same again. Today, I had the day off, because of aforementioned sickness and just felt very exhausted all day. I don’t know about normal people, but I feel so guilty when I take time off from work. Just because I’m sick. It’s not as if I’ve broken a leg or anything, is it?
So, why am I writing a blog when I should be far into the land of Nod you can’t even see my dreamy footprints anymore, I hear you cry?
Although I am feeling a lot better (in comparison to Tuesday, Wednesday and in fact, today), I am here in bed on my own as my boyfriend (through no fault of his own) is out, making contacts. Started feeling very alone. And then started thinking about Dad again.
In the light of our landing, there are 3 bulbs. One of them flickers quite frequently, and then goes back to normal and shines like the other two. I like to think of this bulb, this object as Dad. In fact, my ‘moment’ started when I started talking aloud in an empty house to the light bulb as if it were him. I told the bulb how much I missed him, how I wished he were here, how sorry I was that I’d taken time off work even though I was sick because if it were him, he’d be wiping the excess vom off his mouth, find some extra strong mints and be back at it, making deals. I asked him if I was doing the right thing, if I was doing enough for our family. And then, as if this hadn’t made me already upset enough, I started singing to myself.
Firstly, it started with “Miss You” by Rolling Stones, which made me laugh because of the bit that goes “ch-ch-cha, what’sa matter wit’chu, boy??” I heard it in FCUK shop once, and it always reminds me of being in Dad’s car, so I texted that lyric to my Dad and he texted back with the next line. He’d always manage to put a Rolling Stones Greatest Hits in one of the empty disc slots in his car. Secondly, I started singing “Sunny Afternoon” by The Kinks (I think) – a song about a tax man taking the singer’s ‘dough’, but it doesn’t matter, coz he’s drinking beer. A happy song, but one that my Dad brainwashed mine and my brother’s brains with when we were younger. Then, randomly, “Blockbuster” by Sweet jumped into my head – random, but another Dad’s-car-song. And finally, the song that finished me off was “Who Knew” by Pink. Just a song about losing someone close to you.
And then, the bulb stopped flickering.
It seems like something you see in films, all of the above. And reading back on those recent events, it seems like I’m going extremely insane. Fact of the matter is, Dad’s been gone for 3 months on Sunday and I feel like I miss him so much more. I feel like there’s so much more I need and want to tell him, just so he can laugh at me and my irrational ways of thinking of things.
I had a dream about Dad the other morning (when boyf woke me up and I naturally fell back to sleep for 15 minutes) and it was just like 4 or 5 months ago- all of the family in the pub, standing around our same place in the bar, singing (of all songs) “Bleeding Love” by Leona Lewis. I can’t actually remember if my Dad liked Leona Lewis or not, but still. It put me on edge for the rest of the day.
Last weekend, we went to see the in-laws for a BBQ and I had a really good time. Lots of drink and MEAT later, “Don’t Look Back In Anger” by Oasis came on the CD player and I was in bits and had to go to bed. I just thought I’d be doing a lot better than this. But I’m not.