Don’t Look Back In Anger, I Heard You Say

I’m having a bad Dad day today. I have no idea what has brought it on. It’s not as if it’s a birthday, an anniversary or whatever. Sometimes I think it’s just sitting here in the office on my own. You start thinking about stuff. You email Cancer Research UK lady who’s helping you with your fundraising. You tell her that last year, your family raised £32,000.00 for Cancer Research UK in memory of your Dad. And then you start reading the posts of the people who donated.

I really miss Dad. A lot. There’s not a day that goes by when I don’t think about him, for at least half my day. I look in the mirror and I have his eyes (minus the eye liner and mascara) and his chin. I hear songs on the radio that I know he would love, but he didn’t get a chance to hear. I see bloody West Ham winning and can hear his sarcastic remarks about how he was a jinx every time he went up there.

You probably relate to one of your parents more than the other, right? I think it’s only natural, really. Common interests and stuff. Looking back, after thinking I related more to Mum, I think I was wrong. I talk to Mum about artists who are now probably the most influential people of our generation, Mum doesn’t get it.

The worst thing is you don’t expect the people you love to just die. He didn’t know he was going to die that night. We didn’t know he was going to die that night. You get this idea in your head that the people you love are just going to exist forever. They don’t.

On the brighter side, this whole ordeal has made me into a stronger, better person. Someone he’d be really proud of. And what hurts even more is that he didn’t know me like this.

In August, I’m going to be swimming twenty one miles for Cancer Research UK in his memory. I don’t think I ever thought I’d say that. Even when I was a really good swimmer, I never ever thought I’d do something like that. It’s weird how things change when you go through losing someone you didn’t think you would lose.

I wish he was still here.

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