I find myself writing this too soon. I am at work on Friday 8th Apr, and I just feel slightly overcome with emotion – so much that I need to vent. But thanks to the wonders of WordPress, you guys will see this on the actual anniversary of my Dad’s passing. Technology nowadays, eh?
A year has gone and I still miss him so much. They say the first year is the hardest – I think they were right. A lot has happened in the past year – just read this blog and you’ll see what dumb things I have done in order to cope (see my Don’t Look Back In Anger tattoo above). I don’t know how we all even made it through the first year without my Dad. Usually he’d have a yearly plan so we knew when we were on holiday or precisely when we had to get our hair cut.
The fact is I don’t think people ever stop grieving. Especially when you have good relationships or friendships with the one you are grieving for. The past week has been extremely difficult for me – I’ve found it almost like a countdown to a really upsetting day, which I suppose it has been.
After the accident had happened, I used to feel Dad around a lot. I know it’s weird but it just felt like he was there or watching what I was doing. I don’t feel that at all anymore.
I think the hardest thing to cope with is that everyone else’s lives have moved on. People he used to work with are still working. People who turned up to the funeral went back to work in the afternoon. It’s almost as if my family’s life is frozen. Almost like a tent pole breaking in half and now we’re just a broken tent. It’s not as if I want people to keep grieving, because it’s not nice – in fact, it’s probably one of the most horrible feelings that I’ve ever experienced – but when you’re experiencing it with your family, it’s even worse because you can’t do anything for them, just like they can’t do anything for you.
I wonder if he would actually be proud of me, of what I have achieved or if he would think I’m just a glorified swimming teacher, who didn’t actually need those degrees in the end. Or if he’d actually be proud of the person I am today – that the accident has affected me positively to realise how much family means to me. I know it meant a lot to him.
The weekend just passed (or the one that will start in half an hour from when I’m writing this) is Mum’s birthday and we took her out to London for the day, for shopping, Mexican food and to watch the Jersey Boys. On Sunday, in memory of Dad, we sat in our tracksuit bottoms on the sofa and ate ham, egg and chips, which was my Dad’s favourite meal. Today, (Monday from my time spectrum!) I will be taking half the day off of work to be with my family. I don’t know how I’m going to be feeling then. I just completely and utterly miss him so much.
I don’t know if he tunes in to read my blog posts, but if he does, I love you, Dad.