Who else started singing the Stain’d song in their head from the early 2000s when they saw the title?? Just me?? Oh okay then.
I have to warn you, this post does not have any structure. I’ve just written it and scrolled back to the top so I could write this little disclaimer. It’s almost like I’ve verbally vomited all over this, so bear with it – if you make it to the end, good on you! If not, don’t worry about it – I’m a bit scatty tonight.
So it’s been a while since I wrote on my blog. And I just wanted to go through everything, maybe to clear my head, maybe to reassure myself everything’s fine, maybe it’s just because I have a stinking cold and D is playing COD (serious COD widow over here!), so it’s something for me to do. I’ll let you choose.
Towards the end of the year and into the beginning of this year, I think I was pretty depressed. I know the term ‘depressed’ is probably overused in today’s society, but I really think I was the lowest I’d been for a good old while – probably since my Dad died. I look over my posts, my old Facebook statuses and compare it with how I am now, and I think I thought I’d hit rock bottom. There was a moment before Christmas where I took my Nan to Tescos and just cried the whole time I was there, which is not particularly a highlight of my life. I was exhausted, I didn’t know what I was doing with my life and working crappy hours in two different jobs (one of which was the one of the shittiest jobs I’ve ever worked), with not a lot of social life on the side. But now, dear readers, I am feeling much more like myself again. And it feels amazeballs.
I honestly think The Redundancy of February 2014 had hit me harder than I thought it did. And seriously, it’s taken me this long to sort of get over that, even though I’m back to where I was again with teaching swimming lessons for 15 hours a week (instead of the 7.5 hours in my last post!).
I have been thinking, especially recently, that the problem with where I’m at in life is that I never had a plan of what I wanted to be when I grew up. I still don’t. And, when I was working in the Sports Centre the other week (the other job that I’m holding – I can never have just one job like a normal person!), I saw an old school friend who was now a teacher at a private school, and I wondered to myself, “How and when did she know she wanted to do that?!” I never had the ambition (maybe that’s the wrong word…) or the motivation (definitely the right word!) to figure out what I wanted to do when I was older as I’m so laid back, I’m nearly horizontal; and this woman, at the same age as me, had an inkling of who she wanted to be, decided to major in a subject at university, convert that into secondary school teaching and was now in a really good job, instead of coasting from job to job throughout life – completely what I feel like I’m doing right now. I know you shouldn’t compare to other people, but it’s hard not to when you see those who are successful whilst you’re trying to wrestle with the Sports Centre till. Stupid computers.
I’m not saying that coasting is bad though. I was completely honest in an interview the other week and when the interviewer asked me where I wanted to be in five years, I answered, “Well, wherever I end up. I just want to be happy and, if that means still in this job should I get it, I’m happy with that.” Needless to say, I didn’t get the job. But if they don’t want happy employees, so be it. I don’t think I was really sold on that job anyway…
I really do love swimming teaching. Yes, it’s something I didn’t really need to go to university for, but I’m good at it and it makes me happy. I could’ve woken up in a really bad mood and an hour of teaching some babies or toddlers and seeing them confident and progress through the levels is great. Do I think I’ll be doing it in five years? Maybe, maybe not. Honestly, it sort of depends where my head is at, really. Swimming teaching is making me physically sick – I was off work today and I’ll definitely be off tomorrow, and in my last post, I was sick from swimming teaching then too! – so it also depends on if my immune system bucks the hell up and gets on with it or not. I think it’s one of the pools I’m teaching at, and I think my bosses think that too, so hopefully the owners will change their ways and sort it out, so I (and the other instructors, because they’ve been sick there too!) won’t be sick anymore.
I have more exciting plans this year that are developing. I’ll probably divulge on them a little more when they’re more cemented. The three sort of main things that are going on are a) my holiday to Mauritius (in less than 50 days! Not that I’m counting…); b) a weekend away in Dublin (I’ve never been before and I’m really excited!); and c) The Color Run in London with D this year (which I wanted to do last year, but found out about it all too late, so didn’t end up doing it!). The problem is that they’re all happening within a month, so I’ll need to find something else to look forward to after that, but I’m still really excited.
It’s quite good not to have a plan in that respect, I guess. It’s nice to have aims of what you want to do over a year. And these events are really the first ones, even though they’ll be happening nearly half way through the year. But it’s still something to look forward to and I’d rather that than nothing at all.