100 Days of Happiness Challenge

Okay, so I know I wrote about this before ages ago, but I’ve decided to restart the 100 days of happiness challenge, to help get me out of the slump.

It’ll also encourage me to tweet more, as my Twitter account has been neglected somewhat since the beginning of the year, unless it’s an automatic My Fitness Pal weigh in.

So all my readers are tagged and you can all follow me @frannooooo on Twitter and Instagram. Let me know your deets and I’ll follow your progress too!

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It’s Okay Not To Be Okay

I’ve had a rubbish day. Nothing really happened. I had a day off, tidied the house, watched a film, got up to do more chores but found myself sat next to the radiator, crying my eyes out, with Ozzy’s face completely perplexed and wondering “what do I do?”

I’ve been feeling like this on and off for a week now, today was the fourth or fifth tearful episode. I decided not to tell D – he has had enough on his plate recently – but today, I felt isolated, alone and like I couldn’t cope. I texted him – he had finished work for the day and was local to me in the pub – he came home and cuddled me. We then proceeded to pig out at our local chippy after I’d calmed myself down (not even a shower helped) and we have spent the last two hours, napping, which is something I do not do on my day off, because that’s a waste of hours.

The worse thing about the current emotional state I’m in? I don’t know why. There is no particular trigger. My current work state right now is driving me mad; I am not enjoying working in the pub and I just want to get started with my business (training will be starting mid-January and I’ve been talking about it since August). I am tired, not through not sleeping but through caring too much about what is just a stepping stone in the right direction. I haven’t many friends around where I live (in fact, I only have maybe two that I’d consider close friends) but I haven’t seen them for ages and I just feel on my own.

I feel ugly, I feel fat. But those, I’m 95% sure, are feelings that most women feel at one time or another. In fact, at work, a couple of customers told me I looked like I’d lost weight, even though the scales haven’t budged a single pound for the last month. I feel worthless, like I don’t deserve to go out and live. I feel like I’m just existing on a poor wage, paying my bills, sleeping and getting up for work the next day. I feel like I’m wasting days.

The fact is, I have nothing to really complain about. I have a roof over my head, food in my belly. I have my health, I have a job. My family are all happy and healthy. I’m in a loving relationship, with someone who loves and cares about me (enough to leave the pub, ha) and I love and care about him. I’m not ungrateful, I’m just in a funk. I don’t know how to fix it, because I don’t know what’s causing it. But maybe I just need to cry. And that’s okay too.

I know I’ll probably look back on this next week and cringe at the thought of my feeling down. But I think that sometimes, when things are getting on top of you, something has to give. And for me and my currently tight, red eyeballs, that’s the release of tears.

Renewing my Domain Name

Another month has passed and I’ve actually just got back from a family holiday in Tenerife. I had several emails from WordPress, regarding renewing my domain name. For now, I have done so, but I don’t think that the domain name actually goes in line with what I do on my blog anymore. Which is mostly about my life, my feelings and my emotions. So I’m having a rethink about the whole domain name. What do you think is a good name over in my little corner of the web?

Another quick update. So D and I are saving like crazy cats for our holiday. I am still working a lot, but I don’t really mind. The other week, I actually came down with gastroenthiritis, something I’ve had twice this year so, that alongside my week’s holiday, I suppose I’ve not really been working long enough to moan about it.

Some exciting news. D and I have also been talking about getting another dog! Ozzy is getting pretty bored of the pair of us – and it’s not through lack of walking or playing, because I take him out about four times a day. I just think he would love some other company to get him through the day and, with my working more at home in the future and D finishing work early in the day, it’s something that is definitely viable. It might be something we look into after Cancun though, as monies are a bit tight and we’re just saving for everything right now – we’re even hoping to save for a house after the Cancun saving.

Anyways, other than that, there’s nothing really going on. I might make it a mission to blog daily – there always seem to be these ‘daily vlog’ challenges, but it doesn’t really translate for a blogger. And, honestly, I always forget to vlog – I have the YouTube Capture app on my phone, but my battery life is terrible through its constant use for Facebook and Instagram, so it is very rarely that I get my camera out and film stuffs in my life. But I think it’ll be good for me to fall back in love with blogging again. I do enjoy writing everything down when I remember to, ha.

An Update: Buying A Franchise is HARD

Hi guys,

I haven’t written on here for ages, so thought I’d do a quick update on EVERYTHING that’s happened in my life. I can’t even remember the last time I wrote on here, but it must’ve been around 1st Aug and probably to do with my monthly weigh ins. This probably won’t focus around a weigh in post, but just a round up of my life as we know it.

So work. I am still looking into buying a local baby activity franchise, however there has been a bit of a spanner in the works. And that spanner is the cheeky seller asking for a higher selling price than her business is worth. How do I know this? Well, I visited the area managers last week for a chat, to make sure they like me and know the financial aspects of the business (the franchise fees, what sort of business I should be, whether a sole trader or limited, etc.) and they worked out how much I’d earn in my first year of running the business if I wasn’t to expand. It’s much less than I’d be investing. I knew it’d be less, but wasn’t expecting it to be that much less. So now, I have to get the business evaluated and start negotiating. Head. Ache.

In the meantime, I’m working at my local pub for most of the week. It’s my first real shift today after two shadow shifts last week. And it’s a Monday, so it’ll probably be dead. Which is fine by me. While I’m working there, I’m potentially saving monies on my car, as it won’t be depreciating by the sheer amount of miles I was doing when I was driving to work – I’m literally four doors down from the pub, so I don’t have to drive at all, which also saves money on petrol. Because some of my shifts will be in the evening, I also won’t be spending as much money on doggy daycare, which I’ve not been spending on at all whilst I’ve not been working! So, overall, I should be able to save while I’m working there.

I’ve finished a four week contract with Water Babies SE London, but they’ve now asked me to cover up until and including 13th Dec for 6 hours on a Saturday. So, again, more money coming in with an opportunity to save. I’m not on their payroll, so I have to invoice them each month, which is something I’ve never actually done before, so another skill to add to my collection – alongside pulling pints at the minute, ha. WB SE London also know I’m buying a franchise, so are being very lenient to my working there too, which is really nice.

Alongside this (yes, I’m still talking about work!), I have two one-to-one swimming lessons a week! One is a lady who has been advised to swim to help her back and the other is my friend’s toddler! So yeah. Super busy with work. Which is great, because I was getting so bored of being out of work, but now I have so much work that, even if it’s until December and the business gets up and going, I will still be saving enough money to even look into holidays! Ha.

Next, D. I’ve been with D for near on a whole year now. It has flown by and it’s still going really well. I am super sickeningly happy. Like, seriously. I won’t go on about it too much, but yeah. All good.

Next, weight. This has sorta been fluctuating the last couple of months. But I’m hoping, with all my running around, it’ll sort itself out. I have to learn to drink more water. Especially on my restaurant shifts and 6 hours in the pool. I’m aiming to walk 15k steps a day on my Fit Bit and Oz gets dragged around for two hours a day. I’m also running and swimming again from yesterday, and trying to squeeze in a five week running programme into the next three weeks before I go on holiday! Yes, holiday. For a week. Can’t wait!

Anyways. I have to throw some make up on for work in half an hour! Nice to catch up and I’ll promise to try and write some more when I have time 🙂

Feeling Happy in my Relationship

Today, I decided to accept myself for who I am. That’s a huge step in itself and it’s taken the most part of the 27 years I’ve been kicking around. I know there are things to scrub up on to become happier but, do you know what? I am actually quite happy as I am right in this moment now. 

Last night, D and I went to the pub for a few drinks (obvs) and last night, fuelled by a few lager-tops and whilst making chicken sandwiches, he told me I was his best friend. I wasn’t expecting it at all and I was really hugely overwhelmingly flattered. I don’t really expect lines like that from guys; I don’t know, it seems to be a more ‘girly’ thing to expose these little nuggets of huge emotion. And that’s not to say that D (or any other bloke for that matter) has no emotion, because I know he does because I’ve experienced this before (ha, it sounds like it doesn’t happen frequently, but it does!) but usually it’s my soppy blurbing before the guy, I guess, because I do wear my heart on my sleeve. And it was after this that I realised that he is actually my best friend too, someone I speak to every single day about absolutely anything and everything that’s going on in my little bubble. And I never really had a relationship like that.

It’s hard to believe that I was in a completely different place, just over a short year ago. And it’s incredible to accept that I have been this happy for nearly a year. And it’s not getting boring. My whole mindset about romantic relationships has changed. From the experience of what was a confidence-lessening, beat-down of my personality and character, with my inability to argue a point alongside his attempts to try and change my likes and dislikes, to appreciating someone’s differences and complementing each other’s personalities, quirkiness and all, is like floating on a massive cloud, like being completely weightless – because and although it was a huge issue in previous relationships, believe it or not, weight doesn’t matter in this state either

I don’t know how long it’s going to last. I know he’s happy and I know that I am happy. I don’t know if it’ll last forever and ever. But I am happy now and I am happy that I have finally accepted me and the only pin point that I can think of is that he accepts me no matter if I’ve spent all day in my pyjamas, if I haven’t done the washing and ironing or if I’m not wearing make up. Really in a good place right now and I hope that it’s going to be reflected in all of my blog posts from here on.

Mork from Ork

There are probably a billion blog posts, talking about Robin Williams’ death and I’m sure mine will get lost amongst them, but I really do feel quite emotional about it so, today, this is the topic of my blog post.

For those who have been under a rock for the past 24 hours, Robin Williams was found dead in his home through an apparent suicide. Since this, the media have uncovered that Williams suffered with depression throughout his life and battled with drugs and drink in the early stages of his career – although Williams was never closed about his personal battles, but he never bragged about his private life, did he? Schizophrenia has been discussed, with his ability to flit from character to character during interviews. 

I thought about writing this post last night, but decided to leave it until this morning. I have never been suicidal, although I was diagnosed with depression after my Dad had passed, but never to the point where I had to be medicated and luckily, counselling was enough to sort my short term depression through the grieving process. I know a couple of close friends are on anti-depressants, but it of course is difficult for me to really go through what depression is or how to fix it when I only was depressed as a result of losing someone close to me and when every case is so different.

I think the saddest part about this story is that it is Robin Williams. The main man who starred in most 90s family films like Hook, Jumanji and Jack, but was a hard-hitting actor in films such as Good Will Hunting, Patch Adams and Dead Poets Society. Mrs Doubtfire is undoubtably one of the most memorable films of the 90s – in fact, there’s been a gathering around the San Francisco house where the story was based. The sadness is that there is footage of Robin Williams, talking about suicide, advising those to go and seek help if they are struggling and I even saw a video of him, eerily saying

Suicide is a permanent solution, to temporary problems.

My Mum told me once, a long time ago that I can’t even put a date on it, that comics are usually the most depressed of entertainers. The fact that they are so tuned in to being funny all the time, that when that pressure relieves, it turns completely the other way, so they don’t function at a ‘normal’, happy level. But, that being said, I don’t know the ins and outs of Robin’s life to possibly comment on that. 

I think that what has hit me the most is the ‘silver lining’ of this. People are talking about depression a lot more. I watched This Morning yesterday, which gave some frightening statistics. One in four people in the UK are affected with depression. Wow. Statistically, that means out of my 400 friends on Facebook, 100 of them could be suffering with depression. That’s insane. This tragedy has highlighted that this invisible illness should not be taken lightly. You can’t tell someone with depression to ‘get over it’ and ‘move on’, because it’s not that easy. It makes me want to help, but I don’t even know where to start, other than to be there for my friends who have opened up to me about depression and to listen and try to help them. I suppose that’s a good place to start as any.

What will I remember Robin Williams most for? Mork & Mindy. His starting place. We used to watch it every evening at 6pm when Comedy Central used to be Paramount Comedy channel and it used to crack us up when we were little. I found the first ever Mork & Mindy online on YouTube, so if you’ve got a spare 40 minutes, watch here and have a laugh. But mostly, remember.

robin williams

Day Two Of Being A Bum (I’m Bored Already)

It’s Tuesday of my first week of unemployment. And. I. Am. BORED.

Yesterday, I started tidying my house and getting rid of things that I no longer need. I’m becoming increasingly aware that I’m actually not earning any money so I’ve sold stuff that I don’t need (i.e. a sideboard that Jay owned but couldn’t be bothered to take with him). When my notice period finally ended, I decided that I was going to take this month off to take a break. But yesterday, I got so bored, I even started applying for jobs. Temp ones, such as dog walkers, that I could keep to for a couple of hours a day, just to get me out of the house. I honestly think that, if I last two weeks of unemployment, that’d be a bonus.

Today, I woke up naturally at 5am. It’s 7:30am as I write this (although it won’t be published ’til later so I’ll have that to look forward to – you know, break my day up a bit!) and I have already done the washing, cleaned the kitchen (the second time in two days – I can probably eat off the floor now) and called Sky TV, who told me to call back at 8:30am. It’s too early, even for technical teams. 

Because of the awareness that I’m not earning anything, I’ve boycotted going anywhere that I don’t need to, to make sure I don’t spend any money on petrol. This is the kind of person I’ve become in the one day that I’ve not been working. And I hate it. I want to be earning money and going wherever the hell I want, quite frankly. I’m probably just worrying too much. In fact, I know I am. 

For the rest of the day, I don’t have anything planned. Just more tidying, more selling stuff. I actually have to post an eBay item that I totally forgot about a couple of weeks ago! Negative feedback, coming my way… Maybe I’ll sell more stuff on there as well, to earn a little bit more than I had. I have so many clothes (and the ones that Jay hid from me while we were together) that don’t fit me anymore and, even if I earned £10 from all of them, that’s something more than I already had. I just have to remember to send them.

Things to look forward to? Next week, basically. Meeting with the potential franchise that I’m buying, pay day (although the last one from Water Babies, but something that means I can stop being so stringent on life) and V Festival (my one weekend where I just let go). It’s like Christmas in August. Other than that, my diary is pretty vacant. I’m putting more energy into my Herbalife business, which is something but I need more orders if this is the only thing to support me for a while. 

I have to say, I thought I’d be more relaxed after finishing work and spending time at home, but I guess I just love working. Having worked solidly since I was 16 for 11 years, I think that this whole concept of having nothing to get up for is really difficult for me. I honestly don’t know how people have done it for longer than I have!